


My Eccentric Dinner Party

by emeraldcitydowntowngirl



Series: Eccentric Times At Barrington High [10]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, and others - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Coldplay References, Crack Treated Seriously, Dinner Party, M/M, Why Did Mikey Go To Jersey?!?!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28021011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldcitydowntowngirl/pseuds/emeraldcitydowntowngirl
Summary: It's been five years sinceEccentric Times at Barrington Highfirst aired, and Tyler's tasked with stirring up an amazing anniversary episode. The only problem? All of the loose ends from the series have already been tied... or so he thinks... because there's a new (old) guy back in town and his name is Mikey Way.(OR: The one where Mikey Way's back and worse than ever, Frank wants to redeem his best friend's public image, Patrick hosts a stressful dinner party, Pete gets drunk off white wine, Brendon just wants to have more foursomes with the show's second hottest couple, and Ryan just wants to listen to Coldplay)
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Minor or Background Relationship(s), PAST PAST PAST PETE WENTZ/MIKEY WAY, Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz, Ray Toro/Mikey Way, Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Series: Eccentric Times At Barrington High [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/575833
Comments: 11
Kudos: 7





	My Eccentric Dinner Party

**Author's Note:**

> happy VERY BELATED half-birthday to my best frienddddd and probably the only person as invested in this verse as me!!!! ily lili i hope you enjoy this,,, although it was impossible for me to add all the dinner party elements in here on account of sounding like crazy person, i hope i did our dinner party justice :( and that our frank was as funny and lovable in actual writing!!! 
> 
> its been (just a lil bit over) 5 years since i posted the OG fic (...and over 3 years since the last installment haha yikes) so i thought id write one final installment to finish it off at an even 10 :) never say never doe,,,,, and thats on justin and jaden

_(The camera pans around the empty and dark Music Department room. Everything looks normal—there are coffee cups overflowing in the garbage can by the door and papers littered all over the surface of the large circle table in the center of the room—but the people are missing. Tyler’s sitting at the table in Pete’s unofficial official seat, and he’s on speakerphone with Ryan_ )

“I don’t understand,” Tyler says, nearly gritting his teeth because of how frustrated he is. “I called _last week_ to make sure you guys were going to be here. _Last_ ~~fucking~~ _week!_ ”

“To be fair to me, you called when I was listening to _Everyday Life_ ,” Ryan argues back. _Everyday Life_ AKA Coldplay’s newest album…that came out over a year ago... “I just wanted to get you off the phone. You should have called Patrick.”

The camera zooms in on Tyler’s hands. He’s shaking with anger.

“So this is my fault?” Tyler brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “This is entirely my fault, even though it would have taken you two seconds to tell me that _no one_ was going to be here. Where are you even?”

“...yeah, exactly. Take this as a learning opportunity!”

And then before Tyler can respond to that and before Ryan even tells him where the hell everyone is, Ryan hangs up. 

“Well…we can just film tomorrow!” Josh, the other cameraman, says behind the camera. “We have an entire week, we’ll get something! It’s not the end of the world.”

 _“_ I _guess,_ ” Tyler groans as he pushes himself out of the seat. Five years with these people have definitely aged him. “What a ~~fucking~~ waste of time. Maybe we can drum up something, though. There’s guaranteed to be some sort of tension between Patrick and Ryan when Patrick finds out that Ryan didn’t tell us they were going to be gone, right?”

“Yup,” Josh agrees. He holds the door open for Tyler and then they begin to walk through the empty hallways. The school really hasn’t changed much in the five years since the first episode of the show, except for all of the holiday decorations adorning the halls right now because it’ll be Christmas soon. “And you know there’s going to be some big explosive argument between Patrick and Brendon too once Brendon finds out that Patrick is upset with Ryan.”

“This is so…” Tyler tries to find the words but he comes up empty. “Boring? This is boring. I mean, Patrick being mad at Brendon is nothing. I’m telling you, we need another student/teacher—”

“Don’t,” Josh winces. “We definitely don’t need another one of those.”

“I mean, though, isn’t it ~~fucking~~ ridiculous that they’re still together. And happy? They’re still together and happy. We need something to spice this up!”

Josh shrugs absentmindedly. It’s true that most of the original members of the Eccentric Crew have gotten pretty boring. Gabe and William are together, Pete and Patrick are together, Ryan and Brendon are surprisingly still together, Joe and Vicky-T have their baby, Ashley is still a Hollywood celebrity…it’s like, all of the loose ends are tied. And now Tyler is tasked with stirring up some grandiose 5th year anniversary episode. 

“We’ll find something,” Josh promises. “Sometimes there are opportunities that are right in front of us. We just have to look.”

Josh and Tyler swing the doors to the storage closet open, ready to put their recording equipment away for the day. And standing in the storage closet, packing away some library books, is their key to success.

“Oh,” Mikey Way says. “Hi.”

\---

“I thought you moved back to New Jersey!” Tyler paces around, unable to hide his excitement. “You’re supposed to be gone. But you’re here!”

“Yeah,” Mikey says, looking down at his fingernails and picking at them absentmindedly. “Listen, can I go? I have ~~shit~~ to do.”

Tyler’s eyes widen and he quickly runs toward the door of the room that they’re in in order to block anyone from leaving. It’s a guidance counselor's office — bright flyers advertising schools are plastered across the white walls and the room is illuminated by colorful LED lights. “No, we need you. We need you!”

“Mikey said no,” an unknown person says. The camera pans to him. He’s got shaggy black hair and tattoos all over his hands and neck. “He has better things to do than to be your ~~fucking~~ villain again. You both make me sick, you know that, right?”

“Shut up, Frank,” Tyler says. Because he knows Frank well. “We know you won’t be part of this.”

“Yeah, I won’t!” Frank crosses his arms. “And Mikey won’t either.”

“I’m...considering it,” Mikey says from his spot on the couch. 

“What?!” Both Frank and Tyler exclaim. And then they glare at each other.

“I’d do it,” Mikey shrugs. “To clear my name or whatever. Only if you and Gee do it, though. And Ray, too. I want Ray.”

“I don’t mind doing it,” the camera pans over to Gerard Way. Hardcore fans of the show would know that this is Mikey’s older brother, who works alongside Travie in the Art Department. “I mean, I think it would be fun. But yeah, I’m only in if Frankie and Ray are...”

“It would be fun!” Tyler says, clearly desperate. “Wait, who’s Ray?”

“I’m Ray!” The camera swings around and focuses on the guy who looks clearly frazzled. “And listen, you don’t have to include me, I’m no one. I didn’t even join the staff until after the original series ended.”

“You’re not _no one_ , Ray,” Frank says. “But I agree that you don’t have to be included. None of us do! We don’t have to take this shit.”

Frank’s face isn’t blurred out and his voice isn’t distorted—this means he eventually caved.

“Mikey,” Tyler literally gets down on his knees. The camera zooms in on Gerard’s shocked face. “I just need _you._ Let me write down a number and we can negotiate.”

“Don’t be tempted by their money,” Frank says, directed to Mikey but he’s glaring at Tyler. “Mikey, you’re better than this.”

“No, he isn’t,” Tyler says to Frank. “And that’s why he’ll take it.”

Gerard makes a pained noise. “Well, don’t insult my brother. There’s more to the Pete story than you know.”

Tyler’s eyes widen for the millionth time and he turns to look at the camera for added emphasis before inquiring further. “There’s _more_?”

“Of course there is!” Frank exclaims. He’s sort of a firecracker. “You know, people aren’t two-dimensional. You can’t just make him into the bad guy and that’s all there is. My best friend is a good person.”

“So come on the show and prove it to us,” Tyler says. 

“I didn’t agree five years ago and I’m not doing it now,” Frank says. “But I’m just saying. You and your ~~fucking~~ show ruined Mikey’s life!”

“Okay, you don’t have to be _dramatic,_ ” Mikey says to Frank. “It didn’t ruin my life.”

“Then why did you go back to Jersey?” Frank asks Mikey. His voice gets a little softer and kinder when he talks to Mikey. When he talks to his friends. This seems to be a question that Frank still doesn’t know the answer to.

“He went back because he got his dream job,” Tyler supplies for Frank. He was the one behind the camera when Mikey got the call. “That’s what he told us. I got it on camera”

“No, he didn’t,” Frank says. “He went back home because he was sad. We’d be on Skype and he’d be drunk all the time. And when I went to Jersey to check on him, he—”

“I wasn’t…” Mikey interrupts Frank suddenly. And he looks pained. “ _Sad_. I just had to go back home.”

“Why?” Tyler demands. “Why did you have to go back home? Are you still in love with Pete?”

“What?!’ Mikey says. “ ~~Fuck~~ no! Pete could be dead in the street and I’d spit on his rotting corpse before running it over with my motorcycle. That’s _gross_.”

“And _those_ are the words of a villain!” Tyler laughs almost maniacally. “Why did you go back, Mikey? What were you running from?”

 ~~“Suck my dick,~~ ” Frank says, getting up in Tyler’s face. “Leave me and my friends alone or I swear to ~~fucking~~ God.”

“Frankie, baby,” Gerard gently pulls Frank back. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay!” Frank says. “This is for _us_ to talk about, not for…for _them._ ”

“You guys are still dating?” Tyler asks Frank and Gerard. 

“Yeah,” Gerard says, he holds Frank close to him. “Why?”

“Nothing…” Tyler trails off. “Frank’s just awfully protective of Mikey.”

“Because no one ever has been,” Frank practically snarls at Tyler and the camera. “Keep filming your stupid ‘ _Patrick and Brendon fighting over the size of his forehead’_ bullshit, we’re better than this.”

“If Mikey has a story he wants to tell, we would let him tell it,” Tyler says. “We wouldn’t give him a villain edit if he had a good enough reason to hate Pete as much as he does.”

“So you’re gonna exploit Pete,” Frank says. “Is that it? You’re gonna make Pete and Mikey have a talk and you’re gonna make Pete feel like ~~shit~~ for…what? Views?”

“If Pete felt like he was being exploited, he’d quit,” Tyler says.

“Spoken like a true manipulator,” Frank shakes his head. He steps closer to Tyler. “You see how this goes? This is why I didn’t agree to film your ~~fucking~~ show five years ago.”

“I still think we should do it…” Gerard says. 

Frank frowns. “...and why is that...”

“I mean, I want Mikey to not have a villain edit. And if Mikey won’t do it unless we do it…I mean, you know how upset Donna was that the only screen time we got was in a bad way.”

“Your mom gets upset about everything.” Frank laughs a little. He twirls some of Gerard’s red hair with his finger absentmindedly. “Jesus ~~fuck~~ , Gee. I forget how pretty you are.”

“What is happening right now,” Tyler asks. 

“Oh, they do this,” Mikey rolls his eyes. “Get lost in their own little world and shut everyone out. It’s impossible to live with.”

“You live with them?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah,” Mikey crosses his arms. “Until I get my own place again. They make me ~~fucking~~ sick.”

“Hey,” a softer voice calls out, and the camera swerves back to film Ray. “Gee and Frank aren’t that bad to live with.”

“You live with them? What are you, a distant cousin or something?” Tyler asks.

“No…” Ray’s face turns red. “I’m just a friend. Frank and Gee are letting me and my son stay with them for a while till I get my feet back on the ground.”

“You have a son?” Tyler asks. 

“Y-yeah…” Ray says, looking at the camera even though he’s technically not supposed to. “His name is River.”

“Don’t involve River in this,” Frank says, going back into protective mode. The camera swings back to him. “He’s just a baby. And if you’re gonna exploit us, you’re not gonna exploit his kid too.”

“I’m not, like, _exploiting_ anyone,” Tyler rolls his eyes. “I’m just looking for a story. So…you guys in?”

Frank, Mikey, Gerard, and Ray all look at each other. And not a word is spoken, but it’s like they can read each other. Mikey shrugs, Gerard breaks out into a grin, and Ray clasps his hands together.

Frank turns to Tyler and Josh. ~~“Fuck me~~ …I guess we’re in.”

\---

FRANK: I can’t believe I’m doing this ~~shit~~. Well, I’m Frank and I’m a Social Studies teacher…and I’m only doing this because I want to clear my best friend’s name. He’s done some ~~fucked~~ up things in the past, but we all have… Mikeyway has a good heart, you know? And he’s sensitive, and no one sees that. And it’s not right that he gets painted as this thing that he’s not.

GERARD: Mikey’s always been my little brother. ( _FRANK: Yeah, no ~~shit~~ , Sherlock!) _ And I— _Frankie_! _Like I was saying_ , I really love him. Plus, I wasn’t lying when I said our mom is upset all of our screentime sucked. She said we’re making Jersey look bad ( _laughs_ ). As if we could make Jersey worse than it already is.

FRANK: Jersey is off-limits for me. I don’t like to talk about it.

GERARD: We’re all from Jersey. It, uh…I don’t know. The fact that Mikey moved back always was weird to us, we swore we’d never go back. 

MIKEY: I went back because I had some things I had to do there. Personal things. 

GERARD: Frank visited him a couple of weeks ago and it messed him up a lot. Mikey, like, wanted to end their friendship or something? But then they made up…and then a week after Frank visited, Mikey said he was coming back to Chicago. It’s like seeing Frank changed something in him. 

FRANK: Like I ~~_fucking_ ~~ said, I’m not talking about Jersey. 

RAY: No, I don’t know anything about their ~~fucked~~ up relationship to Jersey. I mean, I’m from there, but I didn’t grow up with The Ways and Frank. Though, I _did_ go to one of Frank’s band’s shows back in the day and…well, I’m glad he didn’t pursue that as a career.

FRANK: Toro said what?! ( _starts laughing)_ I’m gonna kill that ~~motherfucker~~. SHOUTOUT PENCEY PREP! LOVE YOU ADAM LAZZARA!

_\---_

_(Filming has officially begun, so Tyler and Josh are nowhere to be seen. Frank and Ray are walking down the hallway together, talking in hushed voices…seemingly forgetting that they’re all mic'd up)_

“Do you think he actually still has feelings for Pete?” Ray asks Frank. “That’s insane, right? The other day, he saw Pete and he looked like he wanted to murder him. Except Patrick was there.”

“ ~~Fuck no~~ ,” Frank says. “Mikey and Pete were a terrible couple. One Christmas, they started throwing knives at each other.”

“No...” Ray’s eyes widen. 

“Yup,” Frank nods. “Then, another Christmas, Mikey got up on our table and tried ripping down the chandelier. So that he could throw that at Pete too. And then they had sex in the kitchen right after. And then Mikey tried strangling him during it.”

“So… why did they date for so long? Or, do their friends with benefits deal. Whatever that was. That sounded toxic.”

Frank shrugs. “That’s Mikey for you. He’s my best friend and I don’t know ~~shit~~ about him. Don’t even know why he went back to ~~fucking~~ Jersey.”

“Maybe he was trying to find himself?” Ray asks. He’s pretty sweet. 

“Mikey knows who he is,” Frank says. “He loves The Smashing Pumpkins and getting laid and reading books geared toward teenagers. And he’s got a crush on you.”

“He wants to get into my pants,” Ray blushes. “That’s not a crush. That’s him wanting ~~my dick.~~ But he hasn’t begged for it in a while.”

“You think that’s why he’s doing this?” Frank asks. “Maybe if he publicly apologizes to Pete for everything…he thinks you’ll find it attractive.”

“I would find it attractive,” Ray admits. “I like clean slates. I like the idea of him manning up to the things he’s done wrong.”

“So…there’s our answer!” Frank says. “Mikey’s only doing this to get into your pants. And it’s going to work. Ray, I told you not to fall for his whoreish ways.”

“HEY!” A voice interrupts their conversation. And lo and behold, it’s none other than Brendon Urie. “I heard Tyler Joseph convinced you guys to film with us!”

Brendon latches onto Frank. “Maybe he’ll convince you and Gee to have another foursome with me and Ryan!”

\---

FRANK: It was for his birthday! He _begged_ us.

\--- 

“Doubt it,” Frank shrugs Brendon off of him. “One time deal, baby. So, what’s going on? Did Tyler send you here for some plot convenience?”

“Yeah,” Brendon admits. “I’m supposed to mention to you that Patrick’s ~~fucking~~ pissed beyond belief that you guys are now part of the cast. I asked him ‘why, because you’re now the ugliest person out of, like, _eleven_ instead of eight?’ And then he threatened to fire me.”

\---

PATRICK: These people are bad news, that’s all I’m saying. They’re best friends with Mikey Way! Should we rewind the tapes, do I need to remind everyone about how terrible he is? I’m sorry, anyone who chooses to be this guy’s friend needs some serious counseling. 

PETE: _(laughs nervously)_ No, I haven’t talked to Mikey since he got back a month ago… We’ve passed each other in the hallways a couple times but I always have Patrick attached to my hip, ready to defend me.

PATRICK: I keep a butterfly knife on me, just in case I need it. And some holy water. I’m not entirely convinced Mikey isn’t Lucifer incarnate. I had a priest bless it and everything... Brendon _told me_ that he could bless it for me but when I gave it to him he just started reciting Nicki Minaj's verse from _Bottoms Up_ over it. Honestly, serves me right for trusting him.

\---

“Of course he did,” Frank rolls his eyes. “Well, you can tell him that he doesn’t have to worry because we’re not doing any other episodes besides this one. Just gotta clear Mikey’s name.”

“Right,” Brendon says, sounding pretty uninterested. Probably because this has nothing to do with him. “Good luck doing that. Everyone’s pretty sympathetic to Patrick and Pete, especially after that whole, um… Mikey calling Patrick the pillsbury boy and attempting to sabotage the wedding.”

“That wasn’t _sabotage_ ,” Frank winces. “He was just making a ~~shitty~~ joke.”

“Hey, you don’t have to defend him to me! I’d ~~suck him off any day.”~~

“Thanks for that,” Frank rolls his eyes. Ray, who’s been trailing the both of them this entire time, makes a face at Brendon’s comment. “ _Bye_ Brendon.”

“Bye!” Brendon waves. And then the camera follows him as he walks into the music department room. Patrick’s sitting at the big circle table eating a burrito and looking generally pissed off. He looks up when he sees the cameras and he rolls his eyes a little, clearly still hurt about the whole Mikey Way aspect about everything.

“Frankie said you don’t have to worry about them being in more episodes,” Brendon says, taking his seat next to Ryan, who’s crying softly into his hands. The camera zooms in on the music playing on his blue iPod nano — Sparks by Coldplay. 

“It’s not about being in more episodes,” Patrick says. “It’s about being in the _one_. And him being in the general vicinity of my husband.”

“Please believe me when I say that no one wants to ~~fuck~~ your husband,” Vicky snickers. “Like, absolutely _no one_ but you.”

“I’m sitting _right here,”_ Pete blinks at her. “Dude.”

“Just saying,” Vicky shrugs. She turns her attention to Patrick. “Mikey never tried making an advance once he got back _nor_ has he even said anything to either one of you. You’re just being paranoid because you’re, like, crazy.”

“I’m not crazy!” Patrick throws his hands in the air. “I’m sorry I’m a good partner and I actually give a ~~fuck~~ about my partner’s mental health!”

“Yoooooooooooo,” Joe says. “Calm down. Take a hit out of this.”

He offers his weed pen. Patrick glares at him. “No, I’m not gonna— ~~fuck~~ you! ~~Fuck~~ all of this! Mikey Way is a terrible human being and I can’t believe that none of you care that he’s— he’s part of this now! Again! And oh my God, Ryan, if you’re gonna cry, do it somewhere else!”

Ryan sobs harder as he walks out. Brendon takes the hit from Joe’s pen and begins picking at Patrick’s burrito since he’s busy freaking out.

“None of us care about Mikey Way because none of us have to interact with him,” Vicky says. “ _You_ have to interact with Mikey Way because you took Tyler’s payout. Pick a ~~fucking~~ struggle, man.”

_(FLASHBACK: Patrick refusing be part of the show because he heard Mikey was going to be part of it again. Tyler writes a number on a Post-It and slides it over. And then Patrick takes a big breath and gives Tyler a single nod)_

“I mean. _Yeah_. But he’s the one who- who ~~fucking~~ came back! And started this first!” Patrick attempts to defend himself. “How was I supposed to turn down _that?”_

“Patrick’s a money-hungry whoooooooore,” Brendon sing-songs. “Patrick loves money more than Peteeeeeeeeee!”

“I told him to take the money,” Pete clarifies. “I’m a grown man, I can handle seeing my ex…”

“He’s not your _ex_ , you guys were never dating!” Vicky says. “Guys. Come on. Be ~~fucking~~ realistic here.”

“Okay, who’s side are you on?!" Patrick exclaims. "His or ours?! It _sounds_ like you're on his side."

Brendon looks between the two of them, grinning wildly. And he takes an entire bite out of Patrick’s burrito.

“I’m just stating the facts,” Vicky says. “Pete and Mikey were never a couple, not officially. Right Pete?”

“We were _a thing_ for three years…” Pete drifts off a little. “I don’t know, I blocked a lot of it out of my head. He always said that it was just a friends with benefits thing, but it _was_ so much more than that and I’d _like_ an apology for all the times that he made me feel like ~~shit~~ , but... I don’t know. Frank’s cool and Gee’s cool and I just feel like they wouldn’t be friends with a total monster and so I’m willing to at least hear Mikey out.”

“Well, I’m not,” Patrick says. “I don’t get why there has to be a whole posey of them. Like one of them can’t do ~~shit~~ without the others.”

“Too ~~fucking~~ bad! Oh my God, shut up!” Brendon says. “You guys are just mad that Frank and Gee are now the second most ~~fuckable~~ couple on the show.”

“Oh, and you and Ryan are first?” Patrick asks, rolling his eyes. "Right?'

“Duh,” Brendon says. Like it’s obvious. “Did you guys know that me, Ryan, Gee, and Frank all had a foursome? Like, together. All of us.”

“I can’t deal with you people anymore,” Patrick shakes his head, rifling through his bag for his Advil. “You all make me ~~fucking~~ sick to my ~~fucking~~ stomach. But on another unrelated note, Pete and I need participants for our rehearsal Christmas dinner party, so who’s in.”

When Patrick looks up, everyone’s looking all in different directions. Which is his answer. 

\---

VICKY: _No way_ am I attending a Patrick and Pete dinner party. You couldn’t pay me to go to one. I mean that literally, Tyler. ( _Tyler laughs behind the camera)_

BRENDON: Patrick told me beforehand Ryan and I aren’t allowed to come. Hater ass bitch. I’m pretty sure Britney’s doing an Instagram livestream that night anyway and I need to make sure that she’s safe so I didn’t even want to go anyway. Free Britney!!!!!!

FRANK: A Patrick and Pete dinner party? I mean…I really do love Pete. I’m part of his poetry club and we bond heavy over Post Malone. I’ll have to check with everyone first though, because Patrick… I mean, I like the guy, I like the guy a lot but he can be... well, a lot. Like _a lot_ a lot. 

PATRICK: _**YOU INVITED PEOPLE TO MY DINNER PARTY?!**_... that’s okay, no one else wanted to come. 

\---

( _Gerard and Frank are hanging out in an unfamiliar classroom… but it’s clear that it’s Gerard’s just based on the fact that there’s art supplies and paintings everywhere. There’s a drying rack that’s overflowing with canvases and there’s some clay sculptures that are drying by the other side of the room. Gerard’s sitting at his desk. Frank’s situated on top of Gerard’s desk. Mikey’s reading a battered copy of Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer. Ray’s eating some lunch. Patrick was right— they do practically everything together.)_

“Let’s just say that I heard through the grapevine that Patrick needs to do a rehearsal run of a dinner party so that he doesn’t ~~fuck~~ up the actual one with his family. Would that be something you guys would be interested in?” Frank asks as he absentmindedly tosses a stress ball in the air. 

“How convenient,” Mikey dryly remarks, “that Patrick _needs_ to have a dinner party the week I’m supposed to apologize to Pe— to P— I can’t even say it.”

“ _Pete_?” Frank rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a ~~fucking~~ ~~dick~~ , you can say his _name_ you know. Villain edit, dude. Did you forget?”

Mikey looks over to Ray sheepishly, hoping that he’s too invested in his food truck hot dog. Unfortunately, no such luck. Ray frowns back at him when Mikey turns to look at Frank again. 

“Sorta? Look, I know I’m supposed to apologize or something, but I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for. Pete knew that I didn’t want anything serious with him, and when I left everyone’s life got better. Pete and Patrick finally stopped being ~~pussies~~ , Ray and River came into your lives, me leaving Pete’s sorry ass was the best thing that ever happened to anyone so—“

Frank throws the ball at Mikey’s face. “Can you shut the hell up?! It wasn’t the best thing to happen to anyone, it ~~fucking~~ _destroyed_ me _. And_ Gee.”

Frank and Mikey share this tense sort of look with each other. 

“I’m just saying…” Mikey says after a moment. “I get that I’m supposed to apologize and I _will_ , I guess, but everyone’s life got better and you can’t look me in the eye and disagree.”

Frank laughs a little to himself before he moves from his spot on Gerard’s desk to right in front of Mikey’s face. “Look at me, ~~motherfucker~~. _I’m_ gonna disagree.”

“This is embarrassing,” Mikey rolls his eyes. He also very pointedly does not look at Frank. “Can we drop this? Yeah, I’ll go to Patrick’s stupid ~~fucking~~ dinner party. Gee, tell him to stop?!”

Gerard looks up from drawing his comic and he shrugs. 

\---

GERARD: Frank and Mikey have been best friends since they were fourteen, they knew each other before Frank and I knew each other. I don’t really get involved in their stuff because they were friends first, ya know? Sometimes I feel like an older brother intervening, not like a boyfriend intervening. And then I just feel old. And, ya know, aging is cool and all, but— 

MIKEY: Frank’s my best friend, yeah. Why, did Pete say that he was Frank’s best friend because I’ll— ( _TYLER: I heard that you tried to break up the friendship when Frank visited you in Jersey)_ …no comment. You’re a dick. 

FRANK: Dude, I’m not ~~fucking~~ talking about Jersey! Yeah, Mikey told me he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Yeah, we fixed it. Sort of. It’s none of your ~~fucking~~ business so— why am I arguing with a camera. Like, what the ~~fuck~~ am I _doing_?

\---

“People love you,” Frank says. “ _I_ love you.”

“Yeah,” Mikey looks like he’s gonna puke. “I get it. Thanks.”

“That’s why I don’t believe you when you say that you went back for your ‘dream job’ or whatever,” Frank says. “Because you— something changed once the stupid cameras got involved and you started getting hate and—“

“You keep saying you don’t wanna talk about Jersey, right?” Mikey asks. “So let’s not talk about Jersey. Don’t worry about me.”

Frank looks back to Gerard and he makes a face. A very… _I don’t believe a word that this guy is saying but for the sake of my own sanity I’m not gonna push it_ kind of look. And so, the conversation ends. 

\---

_(Mikey’s straightening his hair in the men’s faculty bathroom on the second floor... a very important bathroom in Eccentric Times Petekey History._

_((FLASHBACK: MEN’S FAULTY BATHROOM_

_“Dude, the only reason Patrick told you that is because he’s into you” And when Mikey leans in to kiss Pete, Pete lets him, lets him push him against the wall of the bathroom._

_“One more time, Pete. Come on, we have a couple of minutes” He mutters against Pete’s neck, and Pete just moans in response. The cameramen then cough, and awkwardly leave the bathroom, bumping into Ashley, who has her ear pressed against the bathroom door.))_

_Pete walks in_.)

“Ahh!” Pete legitimately squeaks upon seeing Mikey. He’s holding an eyeliner pencil in his hand because of course he is. 

Mikey looks him up and down in the mirror and then rolls his eyes. “Nice eyeliner.”

“Nice hair straighter…!” Pete’s voice wavers a lot more than Mikey’s did… which is saying something since Mikey’s voice was entirely monotone. Pete stands close to the door so he’s almost out of view and the microphone practically captures how fast his heart is racing. 

“Are you just going to stand there?!” Mikey snaps at him after a very silent and awkward moment. “You’re freaking me the ~~fuck~~ out!”

“Sorry!” Pete squeaks again. “Sorry. Sorry, I’m— ahh, sorry. Sorry.”

And then Pete bolts out of there. Mikey watches the door swing for a moment and then he moves onto another strand of hair as if nothing happened.

\---

PETE: Okay, so I lied. I’m nervous as ~~fuck~~ for the dinner party! Of course I can’t handle seeing Mikey, I feel like every time I see him I get simultaneously sad and horny. Like, I see him and I picture him ~~fucking~~ me but also emotionally gas-lighting me at the same time and so now I’m kinda hard but also about to start crying! HELP!!!!!!!

MIKEY: Am I looking forward to the dinner party? Only to see Pete squirm. Oh wait, ~~fuck~~ , but I’m gonna have to apologize for everything, right? ~~_Shit_~~.

\---

 _(TIME SKIP — It’s 7 o’clock the next evening and Pete’s fixing his hair in the mirror by the door as Patrick paces the living room. It’s the night of the dinner party._ _T_ _heir home looks like how one would expect a home owned by Pete and Patrick to look like - there is a piano in the living room and the walls are covered in frames showcasing Pete’s poetry, their wedding pictures, and of course, their record collection.)_

“Where the hell are they?” Patrick asks nervously. “I told them 7 o’clock sharp. Isn’t Mikey a librarian now, can’t he ~~fucking~~ read a ~~fucking~~ text message? I—”

“Babe…” Pete winces when he catches Patrick’s eyes in the reflection. “It’s gonna be okay. Plus, isn’t it a good thing they’re running a little late… considering the food isn’t exactly done…”

“The main course just needs ten more minutes,” Patrick promises… but he starts pacing even more. “But everything’s gonna be fine, I think. I mean, we have board games, we have wine, we have lots of wine, Mikey’s gonna apologize, Frank’s bringing dessert and we’ll have Tyler test it out to make sure it’s not poisoned… what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Nothing!” Pete lies through his teeth. “We got this, we’re golden. Um… but on a serious note, do you need me to help you with the food because I’m—”

“It’ll be fine!” Patrick _also_ lies through his teeth. “I’ll have one of them help me, I don’t trust all of them in one spot.”

“But then you’re gonna leave me alone with—” 

They get interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Pete presses a kiss to Patrick’s forehead before he takes a big breath and walks over to the front door. Patrick, in the meantime, quickly reaches into his blazer pocket and takes out a flask.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says to whoever is behind the camera. “I took an oath, remember? This is me being _intelligent._ ”

( _FLASHBACK: Pete and Patrick getting married under the Cobra Religion, where they vowed to be_ ** _intelligent_** _about their drinking choices, as well as to remain_ ** _loving_** _and_ ** _trustful—_** **_L.I.T_** )

Patrick takes his shot and he shivers a little before he goes to greet everyone else. Well, greet is one word for what he does. He mostly glares at Mikey as he takes everyone’s coats. “Just letting you know, I’ve got asthma so you can’t smoke here.” 

“You still smoke Newports…” Pete says softly, and it’s directed to Mikey but Pete says it in such a way that it sounds so far away… like he’s talking to a ghost, or something.

Frank looks between Pete and Mikey, who are both staring at each other. Mikey looks at Pete in contempt but Pete just looks hurt. And also like he’s about two seconds away from sniffing Mikey’s coat just to get more of that cigarette smoke smell. 

“Yeah, it’s nasty,” Frank tries to break the tension. “I keep telling him he’s gotta stop smoking that ~~shit~~ and switch to Marlboro reds because his stuff stinks up the whole place…”

“You all smoke?” Patrick asks, looking unimpressed. “Wow.”

“I don’t…!” Ray offers weakly. “Your house is really nice.”

“Thanks,” Patrick says, not looking at Ray at all. Instead, he’s studying Mikey. Gerard, who’s next to Mikey, looks thoroughly uncomfortable... and that uncomfortable tension, it sticks with everyone as Patrick runs everyone’s coats up to another room and goes to check on the food.

Mikey sticks close to Ray as everyone settles into the living room and Pete gulps when he sees Ray’s hand on Mikey’s waist. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize…” Pete trails off.

“Yeah, well,” Mikey says smugly. “Surprise.”

Before Ray can get a word in, Frank quickly wraps his arm around Pete's shoulder and guides him toward the center of the living room. “Don’t mind him. He’s just doing it to get a rise out of you, you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay,” Pete whispers, looking behind his shoulder to see Gerard elbowing Mikey in the side. “No one told me—”

“They’re not,” Frank says. “Promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know,” Pete says. “I know, but I’m— sorry, I’m being Crazy Pete again. This is like Christmas 2014 all over again. Minus the chandelier and all the kitchen sex.” 

Frank shakes his head. “No, you’re not being crazy,” he says fiercely. “You’re _not_. I’m gonna say something to him, I promise. He’s here to apologize, I think he’s just acting out because he’s just nervous but—”

The camera switches so that it’s focused on Ray, Mikey, and Gerard now. 

“They look like the same person from the back,” Ray says. “That’s so weird. They’re the same height and even have the same weird fashion sense…”

“Really,” Mikey looks at Frank and Pete warily. And true to what Ray’s saying, Pete and Frank really _do_ look the same from their angle. “Never noticed. I try not to think about Pete when I can.”

Gerard turns to look at Mikey. “You really need to stop spooking Pete out. You put the poor kid through enough and you’re here to say sorry. Right? The entire reason we’re even here?”

“Yeah,” Mikey sounds bored. “I will, I promise.”

\---

MIKEY: What, I’m not allowed to have a little fun? Are you not entertained?

PETE: I trust Frank. I _do_. We’re really close, he's part of Emo Time Trademark and we hung out a lot back when I was with Mikey and... and long story short, he knows about my struggles with basically everything. And I know about his ~~shit~~ too. I’m just… ahhhh, I need a drink. I need _drinks_. 

\---

( _Patrick returns from his venture into the kitchen looking less than pleased._ )

“The appetizers still have a little bit to go,” Patrick announces to everyone. “And I could use some help with the main course… Gee, come help me.”

“Me?” Gerard blinks at him. “Um, I’m really bad at cooking. You should ask Frank, he worked at a bakery for like sixteen y—”

“No,” Patrick interrupts Gerard, “I want you. I just need help with a few things, it’ll be quick.”

Frank looks over to the cameras and he rolls his eyes.

\---

FRANK: He doesn’t trust me because I’m close to Mikey, I know the way that Patrick’s head works. Like, dude, you just asked his BROTHER for help… and I really did work in a bakery for sixteen years, my uh… foster dad owns one. This is unnecessary information. I’m getting too comfortable in front of this ~~fucking~~ camera, I hate you… ( _Tyler snickers)_

\---

“I’m gonna grab some wine,” Pete slides off his spot on the couch. “Do you guys want a glass?”

“Nothing for me,” Gerard says to Pete as he reluctantly gets up to go follow Patrick. “I’m still maintaining my sobriety.”

“Do you have red?” Mikey asks Pete as he curls into Ray's side.

“We drink white,” Patrick says to Mikey from the doorframe.

Mikey makes a face. “I should have guessed. I’ll drink white then. Whatever.”

Frank drops his head into his hands. 

“What the ~~fuck~~ is that supposed to mean?” Patrick snaps. “Huh?!"

“Nothing!” Frank quickly answers for Mikey. “Nothing, he’s joking, he’s joking. We’ll drink white, that’s fine! Can we do tequila shots too?”

“YES!” Pete agrees a little too enthusiastically. “Tequila shots. I’ll be right back!”

“I’m gonna help Pete with the wine,” Ray says to Frank and Mikey. “I’ll be right back.”

Frank waits until everyone is gone before he turns to Mikey and shoves at his shoulders. “You need to shut the ~~fuck~~ up! What the ~~fuck~~ is wrong with you? We’re trying to clear your reputation here, you know that, right?”

“Drinking white is childish!” Mikey complains. “That’s so _like them._ ” 

“You’re insane!” Frank says. “You’re _insane_. Donna’s gonna be pissed when she watches this. Is that incentive enough for you to ~~fucking~~ quit?”

“I don’t care,” Mikey waves him off. “If you’re having a dinner party, why wouldn’t you have both types? Or have the food ready, for that matter? I’m just preparing them for their actual dinner party. This is helping them in the long run.”

Frank stares at Mikey hard. And then he curses under his breath and reaches into his jacket pocket for his pack. “I’ll be back and when I am, you’re apologizing.”

“You can’t smoke on their property, remember!” Mikey calls after Frank mockingly. “He’s got _asthma_."

Frank flips Mikey off before he slams the front door closed. He looks into one of the cameras and he shakes his head. “This was a really terrible idea. Jesus ~~fuck~~ , what did I just get Pete and Patrick into?"

\---

_(Camera pans Patrick’s kitchen. It’s messy as fuck. There’s ingredients everywhere, pots and pans sticking out in the overfilled sink, and about five recipe books open. Gerard’s trying and failing to boil a pot of water and Patrick’s checking the chicken in the oven)_

“Yeah, that’s gonna need another hour,” Patrick sighs as he closes the oven door shut. He looks over to where Gerard’s struggling to put pasta in the pot and he clears his throat. “Do you need help…?”

“Yeah,” Gerard admits. “Like I told you, I really don’t know my way around a kitchen…”

“I didn’t think you didn’t know how to put pasta in a ~~fucking~~ pot…” Patrick says under his breath. “The water isn’t even boiling…”

Gerard flinches as Patrick rips the box from his hands and shoves him aside. And when Patrick’s not looking, Gerard looks over to the cameras for some sort of help. “Uh… yeah, sorry, Frank takes care of all the cooking, it’s his favorite thing to do. I can go get him, honestly-”

“I asked you to come in here for a reason,” Patrick turns to look at Gerard. And honestly, Patrick looks pretty menacing, even though he’s so much shorter than Gerard. “I don’t trust Frank because he’s far too close to Mikey. Same with Ray. And I’ve got a couple questions. Plus, the two of us are not so different, you know.”

Gerard winces. “Is that so…”

“Yeah,” Patrick says… and he doesn’t elaborate. “Now, you know I love my husband.”

“Very much so,” Gerard’s eyes slide over to the multiple pictures of Pete and Patrick littered on the refrigerator. And then his eyes wander over to the vase on the counter right _next_ to the fridge. “Wait, what the ~~fuck~~ is that?”

The vase is filled to the brim with water and there’s a blue rosary submerged in it. 

“Don’t worry about that,” Patrick says. “Listen, I realize that I’m sounding a little crazy but… I need to make sure that Pete is safe. I ~~fucking~~ love him. And _your_ brother ~~fucked~~ him up for years. So I need to know what Mikey’s intentions were, coming here.”

Gerard shifts uncomfortably, still looking at the holy water. “He, he wants to apologize.”

“I don’t believe that,” Patrick’s eyes narrow. “He would have done it already if he really wanted to.”

“No, I’m being serious,” Gerard says. “He really does want to apologize. Um, he’s… he’s into Ray now, ya know, you don’t have to worry about anything if, if you’re even worried about anything…?”

“I’m not!” Patrick says a little too quickly. “I’m not but I think it’s suspicious that Mikey came here to apologize and all he’s done is be. You know. _Mikey_. Come here smelling like cigarettes knowing that’s Pete’s kryptonite.”

“I really don’t think—”

“And he’s hanging off Ray because he wants to make Pete jealous. You don’t think I notice that kind of stuff?!” Patrick’s eyebrows furrow. “I mean, seriously, we’re not stupid!”

“No, I’m not calling you stupid!” Gerard promises him urgently. “I just think that… I think he’s just being Mikey, but like, the way I know him, not the way you know him. Mikey doesn’t care enough about Pete to want to make him jealous. And he smoked before he got here because he has a nicotine addiction, not because he wanted to… um. Smell good for your husband...?”

“...are you saying that Pete isn’t desirable?”

“Yeah, I… wait, what? I mean, he is, he is desirable, but not to Mikey…!”

Gerard and Patrick stare at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do or say next. But Gerard’s answer must have been satisfactory for Patrick, because all of the tension in Patrick’s shoulders loosens a little. “Okay. Okay, sorry. I just care a lot about Pete and he was really nervous about tonight.”

“That’s alright,” Gerard says, although he still looks a little scared, like Patrick’s gonna pull a knife on him or something. “I feel like Mikey has that kind of quality to him…”

“Yeah, he’s a ~~fucking~~ asshole,” Patrick rolls his eyes. “Help me bring the salad in?”

And with that, Patrick grabs a platter of deviled eggs and walks out.

\---

GERARD: I wasn’t lying when I said that Mikey can sometimes bring out the worst in people. I mean, Patrick is a relatively normal guy. He’s the main character of this thing, ya know, he’s supposed to be the one that everyone relates to. But seeing Mikey is bringing out this… like, _person_ in him. Pete too. And Mikey still hasn’t apologized. Maybe this was a bad idea. Also, side-note, did Patrick say the chicken was gonna take another hour?!

PETE: I made the eggs. It’s kinda my thing. Also… ( _does a peace sign)_ I’m druuuuunk!

\---

( _True to Pete’s word… he’s drunk. There are two empty wine bottles on the coffee table and from the look of things, he and Frank had one each. There are also sticky looking shot glasses on the table that suggest that the tequila shots were taken. Frank’s curled into Gerard’s side, giggling, and Pete’s talking loudly with his hands.)_

“Do you want another glass?” Pete asks Ray, as he pours himself another. “You barely had any and, and that’s not fun! It’s only fun if everyone has! Gee? Frankie?”

“Still sober,” Gerard says, rubbing a hand over the side of his face. “Same as I was ten minutes ago.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ray promises. He checks his watch, looks back toward the kitchen, and then looks at his watch again. “Does Patrick need any help in there? It’s been forever…” 

“I’ll have,” Frank grins. All of that hardness to him, the protective guard that he’s had up since the cameras started rolling… yeah, that’s totally gone now. He’s got red cheeks from drinking so much and he giggles when Pete nearly misses the glass. “Pete. I _love_ you.”

“I love you too!” Pete smiles. “I love being your friend.”

“I love being _your_ friend!” Frank takes his glass after Pete finishes filling it and he laughs when he sees how much Pete poured. “You’re amazing, Pete. You're so ~~fucking~~ generous and kind and-”

“We get it,” Mikey rolls his eyes. “We _get it_. You guys are best friends forever.”

Pete looks at Mikey nervously. And then he takes a large sip. “We are. We are though.”

“I came here to _eat dinner_ ,” Mikey says to Pete. “I didn’t come here to babysit you. Jesus Christ, it’s like I’m talking to a toddler right now.”

“Mikey,” Ray says, resting a hand on Mikey’s thigh. “It’s really fine. They’re kinda funny, I don’t know. Plus, it’s not like Patrick really even gave us food. What else were we supposed to do _besides_ drink? It’s not their fault that they’re lightweights.”

“They’re not _lightweights_ ,” Mikey clarifies. “They drank a bottle each. That’s—”

“I just need to let the potatoes cool down before I mash them,” Patrick returns from the kitchen with a resounded sigh and he sits down next to Pete. “The chicken is almost done though.”

Ray looks at the camera and blinks hard. 

“What’s wrong, Mikey?” Patrick asks, turning his attention to Mikey who looks…pissed beyond belief. And Mikey always looks mad, so the fact that he looks even more pissed off? “You look _peeved_.”

Which is totally a way of instigating something—thankfully for Frank, who’s way too drunk to even attempt to intervene, Mikey doesn’t fall for it. That, or Mikey’s too hungry to even indulge in a fight.

“Absolutely nothing,” Mikey grits his teeth. “Just a little cold is all.”

“Oh, sorry,” Patrick smiles. “Pete runs a little hot so we never have the heat on.”

“Here, you can have my jacket!” Pete says. He uses Patrick’s shoulder for leverage so that he doesn’t slip when he stands and he sheds his bomber jacket before handing it over to Mikey. “Might be a little small on you, though…’

Mikey looks at the jacket, disgusted. Patrick looks at the jacket, shocked. And then they both lock eyes. 

“...Frank, too!” Gerard takes over Frank’s role as mediator. “Frank runs hot, we do the same. Like, the heat thing. I totally get it. Haha.”

Silence fills the space for a moment as everyone stares at each other. Patrick at Mikey, Mikey at Patrick, Pete at Mikey, Frank at his wine, Gerard at Frank, Ray at Mikey… 

“Please take your jacket back,” Mikey reaches over the coffee table. “Your husband is staring daggers into my ~~fucking~~ soul right now even though _I didn’t even do anything_.”

“Don’t be scared of Trick,” Pete laughs, leaning into Patrick’s side. He nuzzles his face in Patrick’s argyle sweater and he smiles against the material. “He’s not gonna poison the food or anything! I insist, keep the jacket!”

Ray glances back at the camera and mouths _‘Poison?!’_

“ _Guuuuuuuuysssss,”_ Frank sing-songs. “But, like, can we get back to Monopoly? Seriously, I’m about to win!”

“No, you’re not,” Patrick lashes out at Frank instead of Mikey. “I don’t even think you know how to play this.”

“I don’t,” Frank agrees wholeheartedly. “But I’m having the most fun. I’ll cheers to that!”

Pete lifts his wine glass too and they clink glasses before bursting into fits of giggles. 

“I need to have a cigarette,” Mikey says, suddenly standing. “I’m… gonna go.”

\---

MIKEY: I’m going to get some ~~fucking~~ food. You guys want something?

\---

“You can’t smoke near the house,” Patrick reminds Mikey. “I’ve got asthma.”

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Mikey rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna ride my bike somewhere.” 

Patrick crosses his arms. “You brought your motorcycle here?”

“Yeah, is that a problem…?” Mikey pulls his pack out and he shakes it a little in front of Patrick’s face to, like, ward him off. “I’ll be back. Ray, you wanna come with me…?”

“Nah, I’m—” Ray begins to say…but then, it’s like he reads Mikey’s mind and realizes that it’s just a ploy to get an actual meal. “Oh! Oh. Yeah, I’ll come, why not. Um, do you have a helmet for me?”

“‘Course I do,” Mikey says, grinning because he’s giddy to get out of there. “I keep a spare in Gee’s car.” 

“You never had a helmet for me…” Pete pouts. “You made me ride it without a helmet on and you told me you didn’t care if I fell off…!”

“Hey, no sad memories!” Frank yells. “Only happy ones! That's the point of drinking!”

“You did _what_ to Pete?” Patrick asks, standing up too. “What the ~~fuck~~? You could have seriously hurt him.”

“Yeah, that was sort of the—like, whatever. He’s still here, right?”

Patrick gapes at him. “...he could very well not be! Gee, you wanna defend this one?!”

Gerard winces. “Not necessarily.”

“What about you, Ray?” Patrick asks. “You want _this guy_ to be the second father to your kid Lake?”

“Hey, I never—” Ray swallows hard. “Never said I wanted that. And his name is River...”

“Leave River outta this,” Frank warns half-heartedly. 

“I really need this smoke, so I’m gonna go,” Mikey pulls Ray close to him and pushes him gently in the direction of the door. “We can continue this discussion later!”

Except, there’s no later. Because as soon as Ray opens the front door, there are two characters standing on the porch.

“Hey,” Brendon says. “I was just about to ring the doorbell! Move aside, we’re coming in.”

Patrick rushes to the door at the sound of Brendon’s voice and his face pales when he sees the sight in front of him—Brendon, Ryan, and their bag of McDonalds. “No! No? No, you’re not, you’re not coming in?!”

“Ryan crashed our car—”

\---

BRENDON: ( _shakes his head_ )

\---

“—and we needed somewhere to stay! Where are you guys going?” Brendon asks Mikey and Ray as he shuts the front door behind him and Ryan. “Come back, party’s here!”

“What, what do you mean Ryan crashed your car, what do you— Brendon, you’re not staying here! And Mikey and Ray, you guys aren’t ~~fucking~~ leaving either, we’re not done with our discussion!” Patrick sputters as Brendon and Ryan walk into the living room, totally unfazed. 

Mikey and Ray glance at each other before returning to the living room too, with dejected sighs. Because at least there’s McDonalds. And some actual entertainment. 

“We were listening to Coldplay and Ryan got too emotional, so he crashed into a tree,” Brendon explains. He takes off his coat and he shoves it in Patrick’s direction. “Hey Frank. Gee. My former lovers.”

“Hey,” Gerard waves. 

“Hi,” Frank greets Brendon before he pulls him in for a kiss. Like, a _kiss._ Frank tangles his hands in Brendon’s hair and slides his tongue into Brendon’s mouth when Brendon gasps against him. 

“What the ~~fuck~~?!?!?” Patrick exclaims, looking wildly over to where Gerard is. But Gerard doesn’t even look surprised. “Is that _normal_ for you guys?!”

“Huh?” Gerard turns to Patrick. “Oh. Yeah, Frank really likes kissing people when he gets drunk.” 

“Okay, break it up,” Mikey shoves Ryan aside after _Ryan’s_ kiss with Frank lasts a good thirty seconds. “Frank, you’re being a whore on TV. The very thing you were trying to _avoid_.” 

“Don’t be jealous, baby,” Frank smirks. And when he makes kissy faces at Mikey, Mikey roughly shoves him away too. “Ew! I don’t wanna ~~fucking~~ kiss you, that’s disgusting!”

Pete looks curiously between Mikey and Frank before he lifts up his glass to take another swig. 

“Whatcha drinking?” Brendon asks Pete, peering into his glass. “White? Oh, gross. Patrick, you got red?”

\---

PATRICK: I’m going to kill someone. Like, I swear to you, Josh, I’m going to ~~fucking~~ kill someone tonight. This is going to be my confession, I guess, because I have Frank Iero practically having _sex_ with BRENDON and RYAN, people who aren’t even supposed to BE HERE, just, BY THE ~~**FUCKING**~~ WAY, on my ~~**FUCKING**~~ couch, I have Mikey Way IN MY HOUSE IN GENERAL, and my one saving grace, Pete? He’s shit-faced and, oh yeah, PROBABLY STILL IN LOVE WITH HIS EX WHO EMOTIONALLY ABUSED HIM FOR YEARS! ~~_**FUCK**_~~! ( _pops six Advil_ _Gels)_

RYAN: Sex with Frank and Gee? In one word? Uh…Coldplay. ( _JOSH: ...come again?)_ Coldplay! As in, it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. ( _JOSH: …aren’t you and Brendon engaged now?_ ) Yeah. The foursome is a better memory for me than my entire relationship with Bren. No offense or anything. 

BRENDON: Yeah, no, I totally agree, the foursome is better. Way better. Haha, _Way_ better. Have you ever gotten ~~fucked~~ by Gee Way? ( _JOSH: Can’t say I have_ ) That’s too bad. ( _JOSH: I really love Tyler so…nah, I don’t think so_ ) You wouldn’t say that if you had gotten ~~fucked~~ by Gee Way. ( _JOSH: …okay, I’m ending this here_ )

FRANK: I’m SORRY to all of my students. And to my dad. I’m sorry you had to see me like this… ( _sips wine)_ I’m a ~~fucking~~ cam-whore now.

GERARD: That’s not what he meant, Frank is _not_ a cam-whore. Just FYI. No comment about the foursome.

\---

_(Everyone’s finally seated around the dining room table. Pete and Patrick are sitting at the heads of the table, which makes sense… but this seating arrangement also leaves Pete vulnerable to Mikey. Mikey’s to Pete’s left and Frank’s to Pete’s right, almost like the angel and devil on his shoulder. Brendon and Ryan are on Frank’s side and Gerard and Ray are on Mikey’s. Patrick’s already handed out plates of what looks like literal mush and everyone’s eating. Or, at least, trying to eat.)_

“So… you ride a motorcycle?” Ryan asks Mikey. He’s got his chicken nuggets and fries from McDonalds laid out in front of his plate. Whichever part of Joshler that’s behind the camera zooms in on the fact that there’s no dipping sauce for Ryan in sight… the mark of psychopath… 

“Yeah...” Mikey eyes the plate of food that Patrick gave him suspiciously. “I do, uh. Ride a motorcycle...”

“Dick bigger than a tower, I ain’t talkin’ bout Eiffel!” Brendon recites dutifully. 

“Anyway,” Patrick grits his teeth. “Thanks for bringing your own food to my dinner party. I really appreciate that.”

“We never planned to come here,” Brendon reminds Patrick. “We got into a car accident. Ryan crashed into some kids. Remember? Or is that spot in your head where you got those hair implants acting up again.”

Mikey chokes over a laugh.

Patrick inhales deeply. “You said that you crashed into a tree.”

Brendon makes a face. “Oh. Whoops. Same thing.”

“The food looks great!” Gerard lies, interrupting this Brendon and Patrick interaction before it can get even worse. “It, uh…what did you use to season the chicken? It smells…ah, the smell is so strong…”

“It’s a family secret...” Patrick boasts half-heartedly, gratefully taking Gerard’s ounce of validation. “But I appreciate that. Ray, do you want extra mayo on that spaghetti?”

“I do not,” Ray smiles politely. Even though he’s got tears in his eyes. “It tastes amazing…on its own…”

\---

RAY: Listen, I get it. I do. This is stressful as ~~fuck~~ and I wouldn’t ever want to host a dinner party for my ex and all their friends. But how…is it possible…that the food that we’ve been waiting on for hours…is now _cold._ And soggy. Like, I don’t—like, how is that possible? Scientifically?????? How is that scientifically possible. No, tell me. Please.

\---

Mikey pushes at the food on his untouched plate and Patrick notices from all the way across the table. 

“Is there a problem with the meal, Mikey?” Patrick asks. “I thought you were hungry? In fact, I believe I overheard you telling Ray that you were starving a couple of minutes ago!”

“Yeah, well. I’m okay now, so...” Mikey raises his glass. “I’ll just enjoy my _white_ wine. The only wine that you guys drink.”

Patrick smiles sardonically. “That’s right. I’m _so_ happy you’re enjoying yourself.”

“This is weird…” Brendon looks between Mikey and Patrick. “I don’t like this icky sexual tension.”

The camera zooms in on Pete’s face in regards to Brendon’s comment. But Pete looks far too gone to have even realized what he said. 

“Mikey, babe,” Brendon reaches into the McDonald’s bag and he pulls out some of the fries from at the bottom. “Don’t starve yourself. Have a fry.”

He tosses a single french fry in Mikey’s direction. Frank follows the motion of it with his eyes and he looks excitedly to see if Brendon’s gonna throw another one. “Patrick’s food is practically inedible anyway.”

“Do you have to undermine everything I do?” Patrick asks, gripping his fork so hard his knuckles turn white. “Honestly.”

“It’s one of my favorite hobbies, so…yeah. I do,” Brendon grins at him. “Look at Ray, he’s barely eating! Look at him!” 

When Patrick glances over, Ray quickly stuffs a forkful of watery noodles in his mouth. And he gives Patrick a thumbs up. 

“Sorry the food is so terrible,” Patrick has the worst self-esteem in the world—that hasn’t changed since the original series. And without his clutch in the form of Pete…? He’s quickly falling apart…at the seams… “Maybe if my classroom wasn’t in a closet, I’d be able to _focus more_ and I’d be able to _organize_ and I’d be able to _prioritize time_ to _come home_ and _make better food_ for my _guests_ but I guess _that’ll never happen!”_

Patrick scowls at Gerard as he stabs into his macaroni salad. Gerard looks back at him, over to the cameras, and then back at Patrick.

“Um…” Gerard clears his throat. “What did…I do…”

“I just think it’s funny how you get a room the size of three classrooms but _I_ get, again, a _~~fucking~~ storage closet.” _

This is true—Patrick’s music theory classroom genuinely is a closet. It’s big enough for a couple of students, but…it’s a closet. 

“...I didn’t make that choice though…” Gerard tries to explain rationally. “It’s not my fault that Brendon decided to leave treats out for the rats and got the whole room infested…”

“That’s true, I did do that…” Brendon reminisces. 

“Yeah, well, maybe you should have told him not to do that during your stupid ~~fucking~~ threesome we all have to keep hearing about!” Patrick yells, his chest heaving. And he doesn’t look sorry to have said it either—he keeps glaring at Gerard, even when Gerard’s eyes widen. 

“It was a _foursome,”_ Brendon clarifies. “I would never leave my future husband out of such a momentous occasion, how dare you insinuate that!” 

“Aww, Patrick,” Frank says, his words slurred. “If you wanted to ~~fuck~~ us so bad, you could have gotten on the waitlist!”

Mikey looks like he’s close to puking. 

“Wait,” Mikey pretends to gag, “there’s a waitlist?! You guys are disgusting!”

“There’s no waitlist!” Gerard quickly says. “Frank’s just saying that. There’s—Brendon, why are you giving me that look, you know there was no waitlist, you’re the one who—”

Ray looks around at the chaos ensuing around him—Gerard vehemently trying to deny that there’s a waitlist to have sex with him and Frank, Frank having the time of his life, Pete trying to drown himself in alcohol, Ryan just trying to enjoy his McNuggets, Mikey yelling at Gerard and Frank for being sluts, Brendon asking for applications for the waitlist… 

“You guys are freaking Mikey out,” Pete giggles a little. “With the whole waitlist thing.”

“Yeah,” Mikey sneers, “it’s pretty ~~fucking~~ gross hearing that your brother has loads of people lined up who want to fuck him. Thanks Pete.”

“We _don’t—_ ”

“Oh, come on Mikey,” Pete says, before he leans in to stage-whisper. “We all know it’s not Gee who you’re concerned about.”

For as long as Mikey’s been on camera, whether for this episode or any previous time in the five years of the show’s history…Mikey’s never actually lost his cool. He’s never had a meltdown on camera (unlike Patrick who’s…currently losing his mind) until now. Because when Mikey turns to Pete, he’s so angry he’s shaking with it. 

“What the ~~fuck~~ did you say?” Mikey asks. “You better never say something ~~fucking~~ stupid like that again.”

Pete raises his eyebrows. “Oh yeah?”

“Wait, I’m still—can I PLEASE ~~fuck~~ Frank and Gee again?!” Brendon yells over the Mikey and Pete commotion. “Mikey can join, I don’t even care! In fact, I want Mikey to join! Fivesome! Fivesome!”

Ryan looks over at Mikey. “I’d ~~fuck~~ Mikey. I like his new hair.”

“Fivesome!” Frank starts chanting with Brendon. “Fivesome! Fivesome!”

“There’s no _LIST_!” Gerard yells exasperatedly. “There’s no—I’m not having a fivesome with my brother!”

“Yeah,” Mikey says to Pete. “You open your worthless mouth to make another comment like that—”

“Are you THREATENING my husband?!” Patrick yells from the other side of the table. “What the hell is he saying to you, Pete?! Speak louder, Mikey, share it with the ~~fucking~~ audience!”

“Ew, this food is gross!” Brendon spits out food that he stole from…someone’s plate? It lands in front of Ray and the camera zooms in on Ray again—he’s been mostly silent this entire time and he’s been generally shy in front of the camera. But between all the yelling about fivesomes and Mikey threatening Pete and Patrick threatening him back and Ryan singing Coldplay over the commotion…it’s clear that someone needs to put an end to this.

“ENOUGH!” Ray _roars_. “EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN!”

Everyone stops in their place and the room goes quiet in an instant. 

“ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS?” Ray continues. “WE’RE EDUCATORS! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ROLE MODELS FOR KIDS AND YOU GUYS ARE DOING THIS ~~SHIT~~? I’M NOT SURPRISED NO ONE TAKES US SERIOUSLY ANYMORE, WHO WOULD? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG. FOR STARTERS… Brendon, are you seriously suggesting INCEST?”

Brendon looks at Ray sheepishly. “I can’t help it, I’m a mormon.”

“I—what?!” Ray sputters. 

“Sister wives, brother husbands…you know,” Brendon waves his hands around. “They don’t have to even touch, I just want them to ~~fuck~~ me.”

“That’s—that’s so incorrect! On so many levels! That’s disgusting, man. Gerard, give the waitlist thing a rest, no one cares that much! Frank and Pete, learn your ~~fucking~~ limits and learn to pace yourselves! Ryan, stop enabling Brendon and stop adding fuel to the fire by singing Coldplay when everyone’s dealing with a chaotic situation! Patrick, calm down with all the Advil and work on anger management for the love of _God_. And Mikey…Mikey, just ~~FUCKING~~ APOLOGIZE ALREADY SO WE CAN RESPECTFULLY GET THE ~~FUCK~~ OUT OF PETE AND PATRICK’S LOVELY HOME BEFORE PATRICK ENDS UP IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER GIVING HIMSELF A HEART ATTACK! Okay?!”

Mikey looks over to Pete and he shakes his head. “You know what? No. No, I’m not apologizing for ~~shit~~ because this ~~fucking~~ dumbass knew what he was getting himself into. I told him over and over again that I didn’t want a relationship with him but he decided that he knew best and that I really _did_ want something more. As if I would want something more with _him_. And now he’s spouting ~~shit~~ that isn’t even true, so—”

Pete pours himself another glass and he takes another sip before he interrupts Mikey’s speech with another giggle. “I’m not scared of you, Mikeyyyyyyyy… I’m not scared of you ANYMORE! I have my husband who I ~~fucking~~ love more than I’ve loved anything and anyone in my entire life and I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU ANYMORE!”

Pete looks around the whole table and he grins wildly. “YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH OF WHY MIKEY LEFT FOR JERSEY??!?!???!?!???!??!”

Tyler screams from behind the camera. “YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pete waves his glass of wine around and it sloshes everywhere. “MIKEY’S IN LOVE WITH FRANK!!!!!!!!!”

**SILENCE**

“MIKEY WOULD ~~FUCK~~ ME AND MOAN FRANK’S NAME AND HE WOULD MAKE ME SAD ON PURPOSE SO THAT I WOULD BE MORE LIKE FRANK!”

Frank looks over to Mikey, stunned. 

“MIKEY ONLY KEPT ME AROUND ALL THOSE YEARS SO THAT HE HAD A COVER UP FOR THE TRUTH WHICH IS THAT HE’S IN LOVE WITH HIS BROTHER’S BOYFRIEND!”

Gerard brings a hand to his forehead. 

“SO ~~FUCK~~ YOU, MIKEY! I HOPE YOU ENJOY GETTING PUBLICLY HUMILIATED ON NATIONAL ~~FUCKING~~ TELEVISION! ~~SUCK MY DICK~~. ACTUALLY, DON’T!”

It all happens in the blink of an eye. One second, Pete’s red in the face screaming Mikey’s truth, and the other, Mikey’s charging at Pete with a butter knife. Which, in retrospect, is not the best instrument of destruction. But it’s something! Patrick runs out of his seat and into the kitchen and Gerard jumps from his spot too to step between Mikey and Pete. Ryan pulls his phone out of his pocket and he opens the camera app to record everything even though Tyler and Josh are right there. Frank’s still stuck in his spot, staring blankly at the spot that Mikey used to be. And Ray’s watching helplessly from the other side of the table.

“OH ~~SHIT~~!” Brendon yells. “WORLD STAR!!!!!!”

The next second, Patrick’s got the whole vase of holy water in his hands and he dumps all of the contents, including the rosary, on Mikey.

“Wh—” Mikey drops the butter knife and he jumps back from Pete.

“OUR FATHER,” Patrick begins to recite, the paper that he’s reading from shaking because he’s so nervous. “THAT...ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED IS…HALLOWED BE THY NAME, TIL KINGDOM COME—”

“TIL KINGDOM COME, MY FAVORITE COLDPLAY SONG!” Ryan quickly falls to his knees. “Steal my heart and hold my tongue, I feel my time, my time has come, let me in, unlock the door, I’ve never felt this way before, and the—”

“THAT WILL BE DONE, AS…AS, ~~FUCK~~ , AS IT IS IN HEAVEN—”

“BOOOOOOOO,” Brendon yells. “Boooo, you’re saying it wrong! YOU’RE SAYING IT WROOOONGGG, BOOOOOOO!!!! Where the ~~fuck~~ did you get this from? Let me say it for you, I’m a mormon.”

"Hold my head inside your hands, I need someone who understands, I need someone, someone who hears, for you I've waited all these years..." Ryan continues to sing. 

“Oh my God,” Frank says softly. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Mikey…” 

“WHAT THE ~~FUCK~~?!” Mikey shouts. “I’M NOT ~~FUCKING~~ POSSESSED?!”

“I need to get out of here,” Gerard says. “I need to get the ~~fuck~~ out of here, the energy here is so ~~fucking~~ toxic.”

“I’m gonna puke!” Pete warns everyone, suddenly dizzy. Like his confession about Mikey took every ounce of sobriety from his body. “I’m—”

Pete grabs the nearest container, which so happened to be the vessel for the holy water, and he pukes in it. Which seems to shut everyone up for the most part…because Ryan’s still singing ‘Til Kingdom Come’... 

And that’s where Tyler decides to cut. Pete on the floor, clutching the holy puke vase, Mikey dripping wet with holy water, Gerard and Ray looking at each other with equal parts exasperation, Frank still looking shocked as ever, Brendon grimacing at the puke, Patrick running to go puke too, and Ryan crying to Coldplay. 

\---

_(Mikey’s sitting on Pete and Patrick’s porch, trying and failing to light a cigarette. His hands are shaking. He’s shivering since he’s out in the winter cold and he’s still pretty wet from the whole, you know, holy water thing)_

“Give it to me,” a voice says. Mikey turns to look and it’s Frank, coming out from inside. He’s all bundled up and he’s got Mikey’s coat in his hands. Frank drapes it over Mikey’s shoulders before he goes to sit next to Mikey on the steps. “You’ve always sucked at this…”

Mikey looks at Frank curiously as he hands over his lighter. He’s got the cigarette between his teeth and Frank lights it for him before he lights his own. “You’re not ~~fucked~~ up right now?”

“I mean, a little…” Frank admits. And then he laughs a little. “Actually, a lot. But the whole—the whole _that_ kind of sobered me up a little.”

The both of them smoke in silence for a minute. They look like teenagers like this…huddled close together, small and shivering. It’s almost too intimate a moment for Tyler to record…except, this is Tyler so of course he’s going to record it. 

“Where’s Gee…” Mikey asks. “I don’t want to—I don’t want to talk about this _ever_ but I especially don’t want to talk about it while he’s around.”

“He’s with Pete,” Frank says. He closes his eyes and he leans his head against Mikey’s shoulder. “Patrick’s a sympathetic puker apparently so Gee said he would handle putting Pete back together. Plus, I think Patrick’s on the phone with his therapist anyway? So Gee’s probably gonna be up there a while.”

“And Brendon and Ryan? And… ~~fuck~~ , _Ray_ ,” Mikey sounds…almost ashamed of everything that went down? Mikey looks down at Frank’s head on his shoulder and his breath comes out as a shudder.

“Britney’s doing her live right now,” Frank explains. “Ryan’s listening to Coldplay. And Ray said he would give us some time to talk. He, um. Understands? Said that he had an idea but he never wanted to voice it and—God, Mikey. God. Since when? I need to know…”

Mikey shifts uncomfortably. “I never wanted you to find out.”

“But I did,” Frank emphasizes. “God, Mikeyway, my head is ~~fucking~~ swimming. I keep—so that’s why you told me you didn’t want to be friends anymore? You wanted to cut things off so it’d be easier? You could have told me the truth, I would have understood.”

“I couldn’t tell you the truth,” Mikey takes a long drag. “That’s so ~~fucking~~ embarassing.”

“I’m your best friend,” Frank says, his voice breaking. “I’m your _best friend_ , Mikey. You don’t think I could’ve handled something like that? You don’t think we could have ~~fucking~~ figured it out? You don’t—since when? Please…” 

Mikey avoids Frank’s gaze. “Since we were fourteen. I don’t know.”

“God,” Frank says. For lack of a better word. “ _God_. I was—I was too. But then Gee… Mikey, ~~fuck~~ , you don’t even know. All you had to do was ask and I would’ve…dude, I would have said yes.” 

“I know,” Mikey says. “I ~~fucking~~ get it, okay? This is my fault. I know I should have told you. That’s why I settled for the ~~fucking~~ Walmart version of you, okay, but then it wasn’t enough and I just had to get away from you and Gee and I had to learn to not love you and I think—I really do like Ray. I do. And I’m getting over my feelings for you but it’s—you make it hard sometimes.”

Frank sighs. “Don’t call Pete the watered down version of me. I’m still mad at you, you know. About this…this whole thing!”

Frank gestures toward the cameras. 

“I got on here to make sure that you didn’t get the villain treatment and you’re _so_ gonna get a bad edit now. And now we just hashed out our drama for millions of people, including our students, and just— God, when I’m sober, I’m gonna be pissed at you. And I’m going to demand that you apologize to Pete for all of this.”

Mikey frowns. “But since you’re not sober right now…?”

“Let’s just say…” Frank finishes his smoke and he tosses it in a patch of snow. “I can ask Gee for certain things. I can probably work something out for us. If you would want that.”

Mikey blinks at him. “I…I have to talk to Ray first. I want to make things work with him first. But I would. Be interested in something like that.”

A metaphorical light goes off in Frank’s head. “Oh my God. So all the times I teased about you wanting to kiss me…you actually did want to kiss me!”

Mikey brings a hand to his forehead. “I’m never going to hear the end of this now, huh.”

“Never,” Frank promises with a smile. A genuine one that actually reaches his eyes. “I ~~fucking~~ love you, Mikeyway.”

And Mikey’s able to, for the first time in what seems to be in a long time, say it back: “Love you too, Frankie.”

\---

PATRICK: ...those ~~fuckers~~ were smoking on my porch, weren’t they?

MIKEY: NO COMMENT! ( _f_ _lips the camera off_ )

PETE: Do I feel sorry for exposing Mikey? No. No, I do not ( _smiles)_

GERARD: Woah, loaded question. Um… no, I don’t feel threatened by Mikey. If I’m honest, I suspected something too. When Mikey came back so quickly after Frank visited, I thought that they had done something, uh, _less than platonic_ in Jersey, which I know is—I know that’s fucked up. But now I know the truth and of course I feel weird about it, that’s my little brother, but…I don’t know. I really don’t know. I get it in a way…every day, I wonder how not everyone in the world is in love with Frank. And Mikey and Frank do everything together. And Pete really _is_ like another version of Frank and so…no, I’m not surprised by it. And no comment about the sex stuff, I can’t gross out my kids anymore than I already have. 

FRANK: Haven’t you bothered me enough? I’m not saying ~~shit~~ ( _crosses arms)_ I’m really not, you think I’m ~~fucking~~ with you but I’m not.

\---

_(It’s a completely different day and Tyler and Josh are back to filming at the school. Pete and Mikey are sitting next to each other in front of Ray’s desk in his office—neither of them look entirely happy to be there)_

“So…” Ray says, looking between Pete and Mikey. “I’m glad both of you could join me today so that we could get this apology in order.”

Pete plays with the loose threads of his sweater nervously and he keeps his head down. Mikey, on the other hand, rolls his eyes. “This isn’t a _court hearing_ …” he says, looking at Ray exasperatedly. “All I need to do is say sorry. So…”

Mikey turns to Pete. “Sorry.”

And then Mikey stands. “We good here? Ray, I’ll see you at home?”

“Mikey, sit back down!” Ray commands. “This is a _proper_ _apology_ and in my office we don’t walk out on people before they’ve had a chance to say what’s on their mind. Pete…do you have a lot on your mind?”

The camera zooms in on Pete’s face. “Uh…yeah, actually…”

Mikey lets out a loud sigh and he crosses his arms when he sits back down. “I need to get back to the library soon. Where’s your _keeper,_ Pete?”

“ _Patrick’s_ in class right now,” Pete says. “Where’s _your_ keeper, Mikey? Making out with your brother?”

“Boys!” Ray says. “Settle down. I know that we’ve got a lot of ground to cover and I…also need to get back to my actual job and stop playing therapist to the two of you for the sake of a reality T.V show, so…Pete, do you wanna say what’s been on your mind?”

Pete shrugs. “Mikey knows why I’m upset. I don’t think I’m asking for too much when I say I’d like a decent, genuine apology. Plus, I know the only reason why you two haven’t gotten together yet is because Mikey needs to prove that he’s a good person and I doubt that that’ll ever happen, so…Ray, this is me proving to you that Mikey ain’t ~~shit~~.”

“Oh, no, it doesn’t work like that,” Ray says. “You can’t outsmart me, I’m your therapist.”

“...you _literally_ are not.”

“So you want to make me as miserable as you?” Mikey asks. “Got it.”

“I’m not miserable anymore. _Sometimes_ , anyway,” Pete says. “Because I got help after being in a toxic relationship with _you._ I just want to show Ray that he doesn’t have to make the same mistake that I did. So… give me my apology and let’s see how badly you ~~fuck~~ this up.”

“Newsflash, asshole,” Mikey leans in. “I actually _like_ Ray.”

“I like you too,” Ray interjects with a frown. “But not when you’re being mean. And you’re being pretty mean to Pete. I mean, I think Pete is a nice guy. And Mikey, you gotta admit…you were being a petty bitch at the dinner party.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Mikey says. “Not _really,_ anyways.”

“You so were!” Pete exclaims. “And another thing while we’re at it— it was _~~fucked~~ up _for you to try to remind a replacement for Frank in me. I’d like an apology for that too, let’s see what you have to say about that.”

“The only thing I have to say to that is that you’re funny as ~~fuck~~ , funny because you weren’t even that good! Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Guys…” Ray warns. “The whole point of this was to make things better, not worse!”

Mikey stares at Ray hard for a moment. And then he sighs, turns to Pete, and says mockingly, “Pete. I am very sorry I was mean to you at your precious dinner party. I’m sorry I ‘emotionally gas-lit’ you and made you think that I wanted more in our friends-with-benefits deal, even though I’m not entirely sure how you didn’t get the memo that I didn’t like you after that time I threw a fire sparkler at you. Will you forgive me for everything I did.”

Pete blinks at Mikey. “No. I don’t ‘forgive you’. You know, I always thought I wanted an apology because it meant that you had to actually think about all of the ~~fucked~~ up things you did to me, but now I realize that I’m better than that, and that I’m more than just a cheap version of Frank, and that I don’t actually need any of your—”

The bell rings.

“Well!” Mikey hops up out of his seat. “I gotta go! See you at home, Ray!”

Pete watches Ray’s office door swing open and then shut before he turns back to Ray. “You’re gonna forgive him, aren’t you?”

Ray makes a face. “Probably.”

Pete shrugs. “Happens to the best of us. Good luck, brother.”

And then that…that kind of ends everything? Ray and Pete both leave the office to get to their respective classes and meetings and then there’s just Tyler and Josh in an empty room.

The camera turns to Tyler. 

“I…hate that we’re working with teachers here,” Tyler says, setting his camera down and sitting in the seat that Mikey was just in. “Who the ~~fuck~~ even thought of this?! Nothing I plan ever ends up working because they always have class to get to! Matter of fact, who even wants a ~~fucking~~ reality show about teachers?! All they do is sit and grade papers and complain about their pensions!”

“Babe, this is getting too meta for me,” Josh says behind the camera. “Let’s get some yogurt and make out in your car to Grouplove.”

“That…yeah, that sounds like a plan.”

**FIN**

\---

_(FLASHBACK: MIKEY’S TERRIBLE GOING AWAY PARTY, FIVE YEARS AGO)_

_Tyler clicks off his camera and he rolls his shoulders out a bit. The party is boring as all hell because no one even cares about Mikey all that much, besides his brother…and Frank, not that Frank’s even relevant since he refuses to be part of their project. The other camera is still technically rolling, but Josh’s camera doesn’t really matter all that much—in fact, the only reason why it’s even on is because Josh kind of likes having B-roll of Tyler…not because he has a crush on him or anything like that…but you know..._

_“Are you done?” Frank asks, with a drink in his hands. He’s also clearly been sobbing. “Like filming…or whatever…”_

_“Yeah,” Tyler rolls his eyes. “We are.”_

_Frank nods. And then he immediately runs to Mikey, jumps on his back, and clings to him. “DON’T GOOOOOOOOO, WE ALL LOVE YOU, DON’T LEAVE US!”_

_“I feel like we’re spinning a false narrative here about everyone hating Mikey,” Josh says. “Uh… Frank looks like he’s ready to move back to Jersey with him.”_

_“He didn’t sign the waiver,” Tyler rolls his eyes. “Far as we’re concerned, Frank doesn’t exist. Who knows, though. Maybe we’ll get him to crack. Give it some time. Hey, are you filming me?”_

_“Uh…maybe? You look kinda cute.”_

_Tyler disguises a smile as a yawn. “Alright, let’s not waste storage though.”_

**Author's Note:**

> before this fic, coldplay had more mentions in this entire verse than mikey did... im sorry to announce that now mikey has more mentions :( ryan would be so disappointed... im so sorry king.... 
> 
> i hope yall enjoyed this installment of eccentric! i know that it was kind of wack to introduce all new characters but i hope that u guys liked themmmmm!!! this ~episode~ was inspired by my favorite office episode 'dinner party'.. SNIP SNAP SNIP SNAP SNIP SNAP! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PHYSICAL TOLL THAT 3 VASECTOMIES CAN HAVE ON A PERSON............ theres sort of an oaky afterbirth....... look at him, he's laughing!.... you know i have soft teeth how could you say that....
> 
> some life updates: i got franks scorpion neck tat on my hip (with the fucked amount of legs and all), im actually STUDYING to be a teacher now which is why there is like no mention of gabe/william cuz im honestly ashamed of past me AND i am now FINALLY old enough to legally have opinions on wine! i agree w mikey, if you dont drink red ur a pussy :P jk jk 
> 
> tumblr: thatbluelight


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